He must be a collector. They're desperate men.
  -- an archaeological dig leader (to a foreman curious about their attacker's identity)
Home Episode Summaries Season 2 The Most Dangerous Thing in the World

"I know someone I’d like to put in a wheelchair."
- Wet-Suit (to Leatherneck after Shipwreck berates them)

Maulers and HAVOCs roll across a desert and fire at Cobra HISS tanks, however, the battle ends as Serpentor grabs the miniature weapons, crushes them and exclaims that the simulation is worthless. After the Cobra Emperor notes that the Joe and Cobra forces are too evenly matched, Dr. Mindbender explains that he has a plan.

Cobra’s mad scientist informs Serpentor that General Hawk will be in Europe, but Serpentor immediately interrupts him and tells Dr. Mindbender that the Joes’ forces are still have four very competent leaders: Duke, Flint, Sgt. Slaughter and Beach Head. Dr. Mindbender continues to explain that he can hack into the Department of Defense computers and promote to the rank of colonel three Joes who are most likely to undermine morale and efficiency, Shipwreck, Dial-Tone and Life. Serpentor is impressed with the plan and tells Dr. Mindbender to unleash his scheme, and then yells, “This I command!”

At Joe headquarters, Dial-Tone tinkers with a satellite dish and explains to Mainframe that his new satellite tracking system will be perfect. However, Mainframe suggests to his teammate that the designs still need some work. Dial-Tone is unimpressed and wonders why Mainframe is throwing cold water on his plans. “Well, when hot air gets out on thin ice, cold water is what you get.” Suddenly, the satellite collapses and Mainframe quickly pulls Dial-Tone away from the satellite before it crushes his friend.

On another level of the base, Wet-Suit tries to guide a piece of machinery moved by Leatherneck and asks if the marine knows what forward means. “Yeah,” replies Leatherneck, “It’s how a SEAL acts on a first date.” However, the rig designed to move the equipment breaks and Leatherneck flies through the air crashes into Wet-Suit. The SEAL insults the marine by yelling, “Stupid jarhead! A block and tackle is too complicated for you? They’ve only been using them for ten thousand years!” Lifeline rushes to the two Joes and asks if anyone has been hurt. After Leatherneck states Wet-Suit is two seconds away from a serious injury, Lifeline tells them they don’t really want to fight. “The heck we don’t!” Wet-Suit and Leatherneck shout together as they throw Lifeline out of the way.

The two Joes wrestle one another to the ground and Roadblock tears them apart, tells them to save their fight for Cobra and asks who started the fight. “He did!” Wet-Suit and Leatherneck yell simultaneously while pointing to one another. Then the two Joes realize who didn’t set the brake pins, Shipwreck, who is sleeping on a lawn chair inside the base.

After two Tele-Vipers dig a hole in the ground, a third Tele-Viper hands a device to them so that they can hack into the Joes’ computer system. One of the Tele-Vipers radios Dr. Mindbender that the device is activated and Mainframe’s computer monitor displays the fake promotion orders. Mainframe tells Beach Head about the orders and his two confirmations with the Department of Defense, and Beach Head is flabbergasted - especially since Shipwreck is not even in the Army. After wondering why the three Joes were given promotions instead of Roadblock, Slipstream or himself, Beach Head delivers the news to Dial-Tone, who insists he is close to fixing the satellite.

As Dial-Tone learns about his new rank, a piece of the satellite dish falls down and hits him in the head. And Beach Head just rolls his eyes.

Elsewhere, Leatherneck, Wet-Suit, Roadblock and Lifeline are climbing a stack of cables while in pursuit of Shipwreck, who is at the top and telling them to stop shaking the stack. Beach Head enters the room and orders everyone at ease and then tells Shipwreck and Lifeline to come front and center.

The promotion papers are handed to Lifeline and the Joe is shocked. “What’s the matter? Been transferred?” Wet-Suit asks. “Worse! I’ve been promoted!” Lifeline explains. However, Shipwreck is delighted to be promoted and tells his teammates, “You sorry sons of dog faces are really going to snap to now that Col. Shipwreck is here!”

On the firing range, Recondo, Bazooka, Thunder, Wet-Suit, Roadblock and Leatherneck mumble to one another until Shipwreck walks up and yells, “Atten-hut!” The Joes snap to attention and Lifeline tells Shipwreck to not throw his rank around since the other Joes won’t like the attitude. However, Shipwreck replies that the Joes won’t be bothered since they need a little discipline.

After Dial-Tone notes that they are scheduled for practice on the firing range, he begins to work on a HAVOC's missile guidance system despite Cross Country’s warnings about Flint and Duke not liking the modifications. However, Dial-Tone explains that the Joes won’t mind since he is an officer and then cuts a set of wires marked “Do Not Cut.”

Meanwhile, Lifeline explains that he will not allow anyone to use a vehicle with weapons. Thunder then asks what they should drive since they are a combat unit and Lifeline suggests that they could dismount and disarm their weapons, an idea that shocks everyone.

Inside a control tower, Shipwreck radios that Joes to roll into formation and then insults Wet-Suit and Leatherneck by telling them that they are moving their tank like an old lady in a wheelchair. “I know someone I’d like to put in a wheelchair,” grumbles Wet-Suit.

Dial-Tone radios Shipwreck that his team is ready and the missiles from the HAVOC are launched. Lifeline enters the control tower, learns about the missiles and explains the armor tests will not work since Lifeline’s tanks removed their weapon systems.

Shipwreck orders the Maulers to take evasive action and the group of tanks rolls out of the path of the missiles and down a slope. However, Dial-Tone explains to the other two colonels that the missile guidance systems have been changed, and the missiles strike the area around the tanks as well as Wet-Suit and Leatherneck’s Mauler.

Lifeline orders Roadblock to knock the turret off Leatherneck and Wet-Suit’s Mauler. Yelling “Yo Joe,” Roadblock drives forward, hits the turret off of the Mauler and Shipwreck grabs Leatherneck while Lifeline carries Wet-Suit to safety.

Part One - Part Two - Part Three

Jan 25: G.I.Joe Examined on Podcasts
Jan 25: Buzz Dixon Interview
Jan 25: Paulsen Annie Nomination & Dini on Batman Comic
Jan 12: Sgt. Slaughter Signing in Atlanta
Jan 11: G.I.Joe to Return on G4
Dec 30: Paramount Movie Reviewer Plugs JoeGuide.com

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