|Home Episode Summaries Season 1 Cold Slither
"Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"
- Duke (to Rock 'n' Roll before playing in the Average Joe Band)
||While standing by Firefly in the desert, Major Bludd yells at the Cobra agents unloading
the three moving vans to be careful while placing the boxes of merchandise
in a cave since the loot is for the funding of Cobra's next fiscal year.
Cover Girl, who is driving an AWE Striker, finds the cave and tells Gung Ho,
who is riding with her and armed with the vehicle’s cannon, to remind her
to thank intelligence for the accurate information about Cobra.
The Joes attack and with the help of Ace in the seat of a Skystriker,
a Slugger and several generic Joes, Cobra is quickly defeated. Major Bludd
slips away and drives off into the desert on a Cobra Ferret and abandons
Firefly, who calls the eye patch-wearing mercenary an “errand boy” before
dashing off into the desert himself. Cover Girl, Thunder and Dusty enter
the cave and are shocked by the vast fortune stolen by Cobra.
||Tomax and Xamot, dressed in their business suits, explain to Cobra Commander that he is broke due to the raid by the Joes.
Cobra Commander pounds the meeting table in the Extensive Enterprises office in disbelief and yells that the situation is impossible since he controls the largest criminal organization in the world, but the owners of Extensive Enterprise explain Cobra is no longer the largest criminal organization since all of his employees have filed for unemployment benefits. The twin Crimson Guard Commanders also state that Cobra Commander’s creditors are demanding that he deliver 200 million dollars in 48 hours.
After a football game on television is interrupted by Cobra Commander,
Duke believes that Cobra financial backing is running on fumes. Soon, Duke
and several other Joes are parachuting out of a Dragonfly and into a Cobra
base. Falcon gliders sweep over the base, and inside the compound, Alpine,
Bazooka and Duke find nothing but dust on the Cobra equipment. After Scarlett
explains to Duke that the generator is off and Spirit states that there
is not a soul in sight, Roadblock tells Duke that he has found human movement
east of their position.
As a set of doors swing open, the Joes run into Tomax and Xamot, who
explain that they are escorting several bidders in an attempt to auction
off the base so that Extensive Enterprises can recoup part of their investment
since Cobra is now bankrupt. Tomax and Xamot also explain that they are
unaware of Cobra Commander’s location, however, if the Joes find him, they
ask the Joes that they notify them since Cobra Commander owes Extensive
||While Duke knocks over several life-size cardboard cutouts of Cobra
agents that are standing next to HISS tanks, FANG helicopters and Stingers,
Firefly and Cobra Commander wear trenchcoats and sunglasses as they enter
a bar on a wharf called Stinky’s Emporium, which is owned by Stinky, a
very short man who frequently misuses words in his sentences.
to be friendly, however, after annoying Cobra Commander, Stinky tells Guido,
one of his bodyguards, to bring a case filled with one million dollars.
As Cobra Commander closes the case, he reiterates the terms: one million
dollars with a 400 percent interest rate per week, an interest rate Cobra
Commander calls “generous.”
Cobra Commander begins to walk away from the table, but Stinky climbs
onto the table and adds one more stipulation to the deal - he wants to
see Cobra Commander’s face. Stinky touches Cobra Commander’s mask and an
electric current paralyzes Stinky, who shouts for help. Cobra Commander
punches Stinky away and the loan shark screams at his body guards, “Apprehensive
|But the Baroness turns out the lights and the approaching bodyguards,
Guido and Franky, are knocked out in the darkness. Cobra Commander and
Firefly climb down a ladder and into a Water Moccasin.
With the money in hand Cobra Commander asks about the Major Bludd. The Baroness replies that
he is preparing his résumé. “He’ll make a good shipping clerk,”
Cobra Commander notes. Destro recognizes the swampland as part of Zartan’s
lair and he is told by Cobra Commander that Destro’s intelligence is exceeded
only by his good looks, a remark that causes Destro to growl.
Zartan chastises Cobra Commander for being late and adds that his charity
has limits, however, Cobra Commander tersely explains that he doesn’t have
time since there is a large amount of work ahead. With a push of a button,
Zartan changes the interior of the shabby shack to a high-tech base and
on Cobra Commander’s orders, the Baroness explains Operation: Cold Slither.
By slipping subliminal messages into a music album, Cobra will be able
to lull the minds of every listener, however, Zartan wonders what the plan
offers him. Cobra Commander opens the briefcase filled with money and tells
the mercenary that he will be paid after the job has been completed.
||Inside a make-up room, the Baroness applies the last dab of powder
to Torch’s face while Zartan and the other Dreadnoks discuss their fee:
five dollars an hour - an hourly wage so high that it surprises Torch!
Destro whispers to Cobra Commander, “It is taking longer to dress these
morons than it took to record the song.” Destro then explains that the
subliminal commands will be added after the video has been filmed.
On the set of the video, Zartan and the Dreadnoks lip-sync the lyrics
and listen to the rants of the director, Lanceberg, about the video as
a form of art and not exploitation. While Zartan tells Torch that they
are going to tolerate the director until they are paid, a union official
approaches Cobra Commander and reminds him of the union’s rules regarding
overtime. But Cobra Commander quickly rises from his chair, grabs the union
representative by his coat and threatens, “The only union they should be
concerned with is the one between their heads and shoulders!”
In the next shot, Zartan and the Dreadnoks again play and pretend to
sing, however, they begin to smash the set with their instruments and weapons.
While Lanceberg screams for the camera and the mercenaries to stop, Cobra
Commander kicks the director out of his chair and tells the cameramen to
continue filming since the scenes of destruction are what he wants.
While “Cold Slither” is playing on the radio, Cobra Commander tells
Tomax and Xamot that after 20 days, the song now holds the top spot on
the charts, and the Twins inform Cobra Commander that they have canceled
his debt for a share of the profit. As a result, they are all partners.
Kids dance in the halls of a school while ”Cold Slither” is pumped out
of the speakers on portable stereos and a teacher snaps a pencil and angrily
wonders how she can grade papers when she is surrounded by so much awful
music. As the bell for class rings, she steps out into the halls since
her classroom is empty. But not one student is in sight.
||At Joe headquarters, Ripcord, Torpedo, Snow Job and Bazooka play golf
on a course filled with barb wire and land mines.
Bazooka swings too hard and his shot hits Gung Ho in the head, who falls off the diving board and knocks Lady Jaye into the pool, bounces off of Barbecue’s grill and lands in Alpine’s salad. Alpine picks up the ball while reading a newspaper, spits it out and hotly asks if the golf ball is someone’s idea of a joke, and Bazooka apologizes.
Inside a recreation room, Shipwreck tosses a paper airplane in the air
and watches it land on Breaker’s helmet. While Footloose dances as the
“Cold Slither” video is on the big screen television, he tells an extremely
bored Shipwreck that the sailor needs to find a hobby. But the subliminal
messages creep into the Joes’ brains and as the video jockey explains that
the band “Cold Slither” will be playing at a local sports arena, Shipwreck,
Footloose and Breaker walk out of the room, past Torpedo, Snow Job and
Ripcord, board a jeep and leave the base after smashing through a military
|As Torpedo explains to Duke that Breaker and the other Joes were yelling
“Cold Slither” several times while leaving the base, Duke states that the
Joes’ words sound like “cobra stuff.”
Scarlett rises from her chair at the conference room table, places a hand on Duke’s shoulder and kindly tells him that Cold Slither is a rock band. Slightly embarrassed, he confesses
that he hasn’t been keeping up with the music scene. Duke orders for the
military police to be dispatched for the arrest of the AWOL Joes and for
a court martial to be readied, but Torpedo asks if the punishment is a
bit severe. Duke explains that even if Cobra is finished, he will not let
discipline slip on the Joe team.
Inside the sports arena, Cold Slither performs and the Joes and the
audience are brainwashed by the subliminal messages, and even the military
police officers assigned to arrest the Joes decide to stay after finding
Footloose, Shipwreck and Breaker. Inside a soundproof booth near the stage,
Cobra Commander decides to bend the wills of his captive audience. After
Destro explains that the subliminal signal can be stopped and replaced
with a audible one, Cobra Commander turns off Destro’s message and the
Baroness orders the people to drop to their knees and bow. But after she
orders the audience to shout “All hail Destro and the Baroness,” Cobra
Commander grabs tells her to stop her foolishness.
Cobra Commander then occupies the television waves and asks the viewers
if they know where their kids are at the moment. He then explains that
their kids are with Cobra and will be returned when he is paid one hundred
billion dollars. After adding that the stadium is surrounded, he tells
the parents that they have two hours to pay him.
Duke pounds the table in anger at the sight of Cobra lulling the Joes
into a sense of complacency. However, Lady Jaye tells Duke, Flint and Scarlett
that she has an idea. Feeling that their acting gig is becoming too much
like work, the Dreadnoks abandon Zartan on stage. While Zartan wonders
where the band went, Cobra Commander explains to the caustic Baroness that
he no longer needs Zartan or his crew. The Dreadnoks walk into their room
and find three female fans who ecstatically shout: “Cold Slither!” Believing
they have fans, the Dreadnoks happily open their arms up to the women,
but women swiftly knock the men to the ground, pick up the weapons of the
shocked Dreadnoks and learn from the Dreadnoks that the control room is
in a soundroom near the stage.
Scarlett radios Duke that they have found the control room and Cover
Girl puts the Dreadnoks to sleep with sleeping gas sprayed from a perfume
bottle. The Joe women enter the soundroom and quickly have Destro, the
Baroness and Cobra Commander at gun point. As the Baroness tells Destro
that his subliminal messages doesn’t have any effect on the Joes, Lady
Jaye pulls out her earplugs since she can’t hear what the two are talking
about. “So, you knew about the subliminal messages?” asks Destro. “No,
we knew your taste in music,” Scarlett explains.
Cobra Commander pushes a button and activates a hypersonic sound that
paralyzes the Joes and shatters a window, which the Cobra elite jump through
in order to escape. They fall into popcorn concession stand and Cover Girl
picks up a microphone and tells the crowd: “Repeat after me - Cobra Commander
is a clown.” The crowd chants the insult to Cobra Commander and he retreats
with the Baroness and Destro. Scarlett then tells the audience that Shipwreck,
Footloose and Breaker will be on KP duty for a month, and all three women
begin to laugh.
Duke enters the control room and suggests that he should uses the machine
to create some discipline on the base. Scarlett agrees, however, she tells
him that discipline shouldn’t be a problem with Cobra back and adds that
Duke can have the machine after she makes a few minor repairs. Scarlett
then picks up a chainsaw and cuts into the control panel.
Footloose and his teammates are freed from the machine’s control and
realize that they are at a concert. Polly then demands, “We want music!”
The crowd then begins to shout the demand repeatedly and Duke tells the
Joes that it looks like they can go home. But Rock ‘n’ Roll tells Duke
that just sending the audience home isn’t really fair since they did pay
to see a concert. Duke turns to Rock ‘n’ Roll and asks him, “Are you thinking
what I think you’re thinking?”
||Breaker slips through the drapes on the stage and introduces
the “greatest rock ‘n’ rollers in the land, the Average Joe band.” With
Duke, Footloose and Rock ‘n’ Roll on guitars, Shipwreck on drums, Breaker
on the keyboard and Cover Girl, Scarlett and Lady Jaye as the backup singers,
the Joes perform a pop-rock version of the opening theme song heard at
the beginning of the show.